Oleh
Sometimes, I take a pause in everything, to figure out what exactly I am doing right now. I need to reflect myself whether this is right for me or not, in line with my own faith or not, or just to see this one support my values or not. In that process, sometimes I hesitate to my own decision, re-question myself and I fall in a doubt. Is this really what I seek? Is this right? Is this what I want to do in my life? All of that question is overwhelming, so, I withdraw myself from everything to connect the patterns in my head, and when somebody asks, I just smile and said, everything is OK, but actually- not. However, I understand that I just have to face this problem by myself. I just have a messy brain, and the one who can fix it is myself only. Maybe, I can still play merry-go-round and still laugh like an idiot when I reach this stage, but inside, I feel I need to answer my own doubt.

Then, I learn a wise wisdom from TED, that person (I forgot who) said this (It’s just a conclusion from my perspective, if you want to listen to the full version, check TED Talk, Life is Easy):
Don’t you think a lot wise person with a peaceful face come from a small village, far from the crowd of big cities?

Why that person life peacefully? 
The answer is because they have free time
Because they have time, they can spend their time with themselves
When they have time with themselves, they can understand themselves
When they can understand themselves, they can understand what they want in their lives

Then, I realize something. Don’t you think, why Rasulullah SAW, Our prophet loves to be alone in Hira’ Cave? Yes, to pray. To be alone. To be with Allah. To understand himself. To not attach to Dunya. 

I fall to contemplating ritual-when I am alone-, and did not allow anybody to approach. Yeah, we need to be alone, sometimes. To understand things clearly, to speak to ourselves, to confess to Allah. Sometimes, the answer is just to talk to The Almighty (QS Al-BAqarah 186), The One Who Understand anything. (Al-Mulk:14). And, you will keep calm (QS Ar-Ra’d:28), because there is one person that guarantee to give you the best for you (QS Al-Baqarah:216) (QS An-Nisa:19). Actually, what is our purpose to live in this world? Yes, it’s to pray to Allah. Not to attach to Dunya. When we face difficulties, we have to overcome it. Our role is just to give the best efforts. And then his effort will soon be seen”. (Qs An Najm: 40). We are the People of Results. Allah is the Judger of Effort. Don’t worry, the result doesn’t matter to Allah, because Allah is the one who decides that. 

Yeah, the answer to this problem is understanding yourself, get to know to yourself. When you finish with yourself, everything will follow, because your focus is not yourself anymore. The doubt is gone because you can see the values on what you do. Then you can focus on whatever you do because you have that faith. 

But, the future is quite scary, isn’t it? Even if we know that what we seek is not Dunya, done with ourselves sometimes lead us to the bigger role, bigger responsibility. Then, I type “don’t you think everything will be okay?” in a search engine. 

A lot of answers comes, but there is one thing that makes me think deeply.
“I know one thing: that I know nothing,” Socrates said, and yes, I agreed.
Yes, maybe we know one or two things, but later, you will realize that you know nothing. More understand, the dumber you feel. So, I got the answer, that we have to keep learning. 

I know that this is not really connected, I tend to jump from one to another point, but writing like this is one way to understand myself too. Writing in English makes my brain more rational (I’ve read it somewhere), and write in Bahasa Indonesia makes my emotional side leads.


I know I got a lot of mistakes when I conclude something, so I open up all of the possibilities. I just want to share this whether somebody asks why life is getting hard and want to end it all. Take a pause, breath, and chat to yourself, understand yourself. We all know nothing and we own nothing. Because since the beginning, It’s Allah decision to choose us, to be alive, and we will back to Allah someday (QS Al-Baqarah 45-46).

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